I’ve been here, my office, for 9 hours today. It is not the biggest time in office, or even not over the average of being here since the beginning november. Since the end of my first semester in Boulder, I started using my office as a major space of studying, rather than the library. There were several reasons. The office is closer to the hill, which contains many foods stores, especially the food court, the one of my best place to eat something (“best” means “most frequently”, not “the favorite”..) . And it is also very convenient to use computer lab, which is located right opposite to my offce door, and, mm, it is also good to be out to smoke sometimes.
This is like dungeon, or a cave, which introduces the legend of the origin of Korea.. If I endure the time here, not showing any sunshines and enjoying any delicious foods for “sufficiently longer” days, then the better grades will be guaranteed. Of course it sucks. But I have no choice. With my awful English skills, I have to spend more time on studying, while many other guys can enjoy sometimes. This pity guys is not only me but also there are many Koreans and Chineses in the same builiding.
I sometimes hate the building and my office, not because of Sergey, the 10th year student having better knowledge than a professor from Stanford, but becuase this place reminds me some bad memories with bad air. You know, bad air makes one’s brain more painful, and more dizzing. With this condition, I can’t concentrate on my book (then why am I here? That’s just cuz my office has no closing time so I can keep my books without any moving) so, I begin to start some fantasy thinking. The one of my best skills and I’m very confident with that skills amongst all of the people in the world. Sometimes good music helps a lot. I don’t listen hard rock any more, and am getting more finicky in selecting music. My budget is always limited, and itunes never suggests me any good music in their fron page. Metacritic is really good to see critics’ choice, but it’s not the best way to choose music. So, I’m getting to listen my old music in my ipod, and getting to remember my memories, rather than imagine my future.
There was a missing link. Between you and me. We couldn’t get closer. We really needed it. But we didn’t. I still don’t know what made us to depart from each other. Anyway, I am not sure whether you still think of me. I do so frequently. Even if it is not anymore a kind of strong emotional activity, I do so. I can’t remember all of your text massages because of my bad memorizing ability, but I definitely remember the feeling, when I got the massage. I thought that’s enuff for us. But it was not. Sometimes I think there are really very few words to express my emotion, or thought. English is absolutely better, but it is still very malfunctioned. I remember the songs related to us, our coexisting memories, and still play that songs with my ipod as my favorite songs. “Favorite” does not means “I like it most”, but means “I should listen this song, while giving up the others” . Anyway, I always think what was the problem between us. Even this is in the final. (you should know what it means to me, the final!)
I sometimes think you hate me. Or, you might have NO emotions to me. That’s possible. Cuz we didn’t communicate sicne the last night before flying back to US. I started to decide not to disturb you anymore. I thought, I could overcome the barrier, the distance. But I couldn’t. The one of our common characteristics is that, we prefer to be silence rather than explain, when we encounter the emotional conflicts. You know, I’m not a well-speaking person even I say in Korean, when I talk about my story. You are the same, I think. I don’t blame it, but I have a little regrets on it. If we could, we could do more try to understand each other, or just try to explain the one’s situation, then, then I don’t know.
I still like you. But I don’t know the feeling I got one years ago was still truly true or not. We did not have enuff time and spaces to confirm it. I know “all is the timing”, well known maxim in SKorea, but I truly know that You are not a person who can examined by timing, or any subjective criteria. You cannot be replaced by the other person, at least in my life. I am still very happy to know about you, and have many good memories with you. I have known you for eight (nine? seriously?) years, and we have seen each other’s aging life. That’s enuff. Enuff for me. Actually I can’t see you at this time and I don’t know how your life goes by, but I can feel, you are not far from me. One year ago, we should choose our relationship. That was because of my bad decision. I gave up the very good relationship with you, as a good friend. I don’t know it was really bad decision, or not. I still believe you are, really good personnel to me. You gives me a lot of energy, even we do not communicate any more. You existence is one of my reason to study here.
I hope, strongly, “like” confuese not any of your stand. Even if we are not in love anymore, I will keep being close to you, not phisically, but emotionally. THis is very very confusing statement. I can’t express my mind in words. It sucks.
I’m listening Feist. Hope you listen the same.